Don't throw your happiness in the bin
The demon of comparison
We all know those social media profiles, the ones that share the highlights but keep the mess and the dull, boring bits out of sight. But what does that do to our brain and how can we protect ourselves from feeling low? How do we stop comparing ourselves and feeling bad for falling short?
Don’t bin the good stuff
Our brain developed thousands of years ago and was wired for threats: in order to survive, we had to pay attention to the negative. However, the positives, things which wouldn’t harm us, were less important and less memorable.
I had the classic example of this the other day: I was washing up, sun pouring in through the window, plants coming into life, and I realised I was happy. Hooray!
I got an email about freelance work (still happy) and that night I spoke with a friend. I mention the work: what should I charge? She suggested a figure that sounded too low (not happy) and, while we’re on the topic of wages, she reveals she earns more than twice what I do (really not happy). I’m shocked, but she points out that her brother earns twice what she does (she’s not happy either). Suddenly I feel like a failure, scrabbling for work and anxious about my pension, or lack of it.
Where did that happiness go?! That pleasure in the sunshine and plants? I let it go, I threw it in the bin to make myself miserable, imagining an impoverished future in twenty odd years. I let an imaginary future made me sad: I did that, to myself.
Notice the positive
Later, I wrote down what I felt to try and unpick it. As I wrote, I realised that my friend and I aren’t in the same situation: we made different choices. We don’t even spend the same. Did I remember that? No!
In fact, I left jobs and retrained. Some people might envy me, as they count down the days until they retire. I wanted satisfying work and that was my priority, more than a predictable income. I was free to choose – what a luxury.
But I ignored all of that; I took it for granted and, as I did so, I became miserable. When I pay attention to the positives, I feel a lot happier. When I look at what I lack, I will always want more.
Protect yourself from stressful thinking
Stress comes from trying to change what we can’t control. Here are some tips to ground yourself:
1. Try to see the whole picture, not the edited best / worst bits. This is for you and for other people.
2. Come back to what you HAVE. Comparing with others takes us away from what we have.
3. Build the muscle of gratitude; practice noticing the positive and enjoy it. Because the happier you are and the more confident you are in your choices, the less you’ll be swayed by comparing yourself with someone else. Don’t throw your happiness in the bin.
If you’d like to develop strategies to address stress or anxiety, get in touch at https://www.kavacounselling.com/